Behind the scenes of sexual orientation

by keithrlau

I have a friend that’s gay.  He’s a dude.  He likes dudes.  Which is pretty gay.

One of the things that sort of drives me nuts (if you pardon the expression) is how ‘the media’ or ‘big Hollywood films’ or ‘the slanderous liberals’ will have you think that gay dudes act differently than straight dudes.  Apparently all gay dudes like to take penis in their butts.  Which leaves most people wondering, who’s the top in these scenarios if all the gay dudes are busy being the bottom?  My guess, straight dudes.  It’s the only thing that makes sense.

But what happens when you put gay dudes into a group with straight dudes?  Do the straight guys act different?  Do the gay dudes?  Well, it turns out that both act different.  From my anecdotal point-of-view.  Now I promise I will lay this out.

I used to play poker with a group of guys.  We are all straight, and engage in obnoxious straight behavior.  Things that we don’t realize.  Until you add a non-strait person to the mix.  Something that I’ve learned that I do with my strait friends that I don’t do with my gay friends is I act like a silly gay dude sometimes.  We will joke about who is going to blow whom if they win the next hand.  At no point does it get homoerotic.  Which sounds like bullshit right?  But here’s something that I recently learned, gay dudes don’t do that with anyone.

I had a lesbian friend join us at the table.  Everyone was in their best behavior.  There was an outsider joining us.  We needed to behave more formally.  But 2 hours into this gathering Joey makes some kind of joke.

“Looks like you’re going to be guzzling the pipe, but you know you love  my lead pipe.”  Totally mortifying right?  But I laugh and concur.  Yes, I want to satisfy the pipe.  I love it!  And we laugh.  It’s the most hilarious thing ever.  We’re dying.  HAHAHA!  It’s funny right?  Honestly, when I analyze it I feel homophobic and stupid.  I can’t explain why it’s even funny now as I write it 10 years later.  And I’d still probably do it.

After the night was winding down I was driving with my lesbian friend.  And she asks me about what she had witnessed.

“What’s with all the blowjob humor?”  And that’s when I realize that at some point in the night, the lines were blurred.  I had gotten too comfortable with mixed company.  She knew about the Totally Heterosexual Behavior In The Totally Heterosexual Way (a term coined by Derek Burwell) behavior that straight guys engage in.  Up to this point I didn’t realize that this was a straight dudes phenomenon.

I apologized and asked if she was offended.  “No, it was just…  odd.  Is this common?”  Her voice incredulous and amused.  I thought for a bit.  “Yes.  It is!  It’s hilarious!  Ha ha!”

She looked puzzled, “Being gay is funny to straight guys?”

“Um..  Yeah, I guess it kind of is..  But not about gay people.  Just about each other.  You know, doing that kind of stuff with each other.”  Believe me, if Joey blew me, I’d be laughing like a heavily medicated inmate the whole time.  Even now I’m laughing.  Haha!

That night didn’t provide much consolation for my lesbian friend.  If it had any effect, I think it was solidifying her lesbianism.

Funny, some straight people and some poorly closeted Ted Haggard “straight” people worry about gay people corrupting good innocent straight folks into deviant “cock monsters” a la Chris Kluwe reference.  But I’m probably directly responsible for cementing someone’s sexual orientation far firmer into the lesbian camp.  All without taking my shirt off.  Me, a strait guy “changes” people more than gay people.  Just saying.

Fast-forward 10 years, I’m chatting with my gay friend.  And I’m relaying this yarn to him.  He is gay, after all.  He can legitimize my belief that I’m not homophobic.  And after talking it over, laughing, explaining more while crying tears of manic hysteria about how hilarious it all is, my friend sits quietly.

Like a kindergarten teacher counting to 10 with her eyes closed before explaining why we don’t hump eat other like the rapper in the video, in class.  Or anywhere.

“No, I don’t think it’s homophobic.  But I’d never do this.  Ever.  With anyone.  That’s so ‘straight’.”  Not a twinge of irony or sarcasm.  Straight dudes do dumb shit.

“You remember Tarantino’s Pulp Fiction?”  His face spoke of that Kindergarten teacher that had to explain that it’s not okay for Dick to gyrate on Jane.  And Jane shouldn’t twerk until at least junior high.

“YEAH! I said.”  My voice bouncing around the room all straight and obnoxious.

“Remember when this scene happens?”:  

“I DO!  BAHAHHAHAHA!!!!”  rampant heterosexuality littering Derek’s house.

“Gay men don’t do this.”  EVER.

I was perplexed.  Also, I got tired of blogging quote dialog.  Derek explained that he thinks guys do this to help displace emotions that strait men feel towards one another that they can’t express.  Because of social constructs.  It kinda makes sense.  Not sure if it’s as cut and dry as all that.  But I don’t know.

Another time Derek and I were chatting and we both look over and see three men standing around a building with their wives.  The women go into the building.  As one of the guys starts to depart into the building he sneaks up behind one of the guys and karate chops him in the groin from behind.  Let me copy and paste that.  As one of the guys starts to depart into the building he sneaks up behind one of the guys and karate chops him in the groin from behind.

I look at Derek, he shakes his head.  Sadly, I now know that there’s absolutely nothing gay about karate chopping a fellow dude’s balls.  It’s par-for-the-course sports analogy strait-dude behavior.

Just a couple of straight dudes with feelings they awkwardly feel about one another, joking about messy blow jobs while playing cards.

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